Hi,
I’ve
divided your work into more paragraphs. I’m not actually sure how many
lines/spaces to leave for dialogue. I usually leave one. Some people leave one
above and one below.
Here’s
just what I find comfortable reading.
Pink; you have
changed tense a few times. I’m not too sure how you want it to be. (Seems the 1st,
3rd and the last paragraph are mostly in past tense.) Take care that
it is consistent though.
Green is for grammar,
changes I’ve made or to query your word choice.
Yellow is for punctuation.
Hope you
get done soon. Still wondering how it’s going to end ^^
DRAFT TO DATE
Onto
You. (DRAFT!)
When
Bella decided to move to Forks, she certainly did not imagine a long driveway
which could
pass
as an airplane tarmac, a front yard that looked like a size of a Mini Park, a
whole heap of cars
that
lined up the front and an enormous mansion which only housed herself and her father.
"Bella!
You're here!" greets
her overly excited father as he quickly runs over and picks her up and spins her around.
"Welcome to Forks, welcome
to your new home" with a smile so wide she wondered if his
mouth
was hurting from such a smile. "This is Claire, my fiancé."
“Fiancé?” Bella wondered aloud.
"Well
yes... we've decided to get married, I mean why wait huh?" says her Dad so awkwardly. "Let’s get
you
settled inside shall we?"
He
grabbed her bags
and ushered her into the large big open doors that was now her new home. For
the rest of the day, Bella unpacked her bags into her new drawers and bedroom,
which was the size of her home back in Washington, DC.
“Tomorrow
I will take you into school and get you enrolled and settled in”.
School.
That was something she had not yet thought about since she arrived.
“Bella,
come on! Breakfast time, I don’t want you missing out on anything important on
your first day
of
school.”
“
I’m coming!”She quickly replies.
“Wow
Bella you do know you’re in Forks Arizona now honey, around here girls just tie
their hair in a ponytail and their good to go,” says her father jokingly as she takes her place
on the kitchen table.
After
a good half hour at breakfast talking with her father and an awkward yes no conversation
with her soon to be stepmother, it was time to leave.
“I’m
sure it won’t take long to figure out you’re the sheriffs daughter,” says her father with
pride on
their
drive to school. People knowing that she was the sheriffs daughter was the last
thing that she
wanted
them to know. The last thing she wanted was the town knowing her business.
Her
first class was chemistry, as she made her way to the room she came across a
different rage of
students.
“Miss Bella Carter, come on in,” greeted an old man wearing a
white cloak looking like a
typical
scientist. As she quickly scanned the room looking for a spare seat hoping for
one at the back. He
quickly interrupted
her thoughts again with “aahh Bella, take a seat next to Edward. He will be
your
chemistry
buddy/partner for the
rest of the year. I trust that you will make her feel welcomed Edward
please”.
She
walks quickly to
her seat as she felt all eyes on her. Soon after class was in full swing.
“Hi,
the names Edward. Edward Cullen” His face was white as snow, he looked so
flawless, his teeth
were
perfect and not one strand of his hair was out of place.
She
quickly pulled herself together and managed to pull a few string of words to
say,
“Hi
Bella. I mean my names Bella”
Throughout
the entire class Edward helped her get to know who was who around school and gave a brief introduction of all
her teachers.
The
next day as she arrives at school,
to her surprise Edward was waiting for her in the car park.
"Good
morning" he smiles as she shyly hops out of her car.
"Oh
hey, good morning" she quickly mutters back. "So I was thinking,
maybe I can show you around town after school if you have not seen it"
She nodded happily. Now that was an offer Bella sure wasn’t going to disagree with.
After
5th period she made her way to the spot where Edward had asked her to meet him.
Walking
and packing her bag at the same time she did not notice the fast speed of the oncoming truck speeding/hurtling towards
her.
She looked up with fear in her eyes
only to be pushed back by Edward. She
wasn’t sure what was more
Horrific/shocking
the near fate of her death or the sudden appearance of Edward.
“What
just happened? Where did you come from?” She had so many questions. She knew
for certain that what she had just seen within those 5 endless seconds was definitely not a
hallucination. The speed that
he ran at, just in time to grab her, was beyond believable.
It
was the beginning of her suspicions.
As
usual Bella’s dad made a fuss of her willingness of returning to school the
next day but Bella had
questions
that she needed
answers for.
Questions
that only Edward could answer. Who was he?
Interval
had come and gone and there was no sight of Edward. Bella decided to take it
upon herself
and
drive to his home to see
him. When she arrived there
she saw no one. She could only
hear a lot of
people that sounded like they were
arguing.
“EDWARD!
If word gets out that you are a vampire you can be in a lot of trouble…”
Bella
stood rooted to the spot;
stunned, is what she heard true? Now everything made perfect sense.
“Bella!
What are you doing here?!” the look on Edwards face said it all. Shocked.
Angry. Embarrassed.
“Is
what I heard true?’ Bella asks
in fear and suspicion. She quickly scans the room which was surrounded by Edwards
parents and his siblings.
“Yes,
yes it is” he replies.
No comments:
Post a Comment