Comments on Dark souls fanfic darft 2 - Inga

Final comments;

Your piece is densely packed with details. In order to fully appreciate this I think the reader needs more separation between ideas, i.e. more paragraphs. The back story is very helpful, thanks.

In yellow are suggestions for punctuation/words I’d cut, (some you’ll already know.)

The other colour highlights restructured/reworded sentences. I’m not sure if they’re useful. Bit different writing style. The last bit, where you used the word ‘bestowed’, that’s the only one I think is important to change. ‘Bestowed’ - that’s a blessing isn’t it? I can’t think of a better word than cursed/damned.

Hope you get time for everything.

Dark souls fanfic darft 2

Backstory: The character Pinwheel is a fictional character in the video game franchise “Dark souls”. Pinwheel is one of the bosses in this game. I felt he was under represented as a character in the game as most people just rushed through his part and didn't understand what his story was about. I personally thought the story of him was one of the better stories in the game. Also, I'm not finished I know there are more grammatical errors that need correcting and I need photos but I've run out of time to do more today.

Pinwheel.

How long has it been? All sense of time lost in these years upon years of misery, the world around me eroding endlessly as I cling to this goal. Where did I go wrong? What have I done to deserve this? Every time I see my refection in the pool of water that has accumulated in my tomb I am reminded of the decision I made years ago. This mask as if insulting me represents the burden I carry and the constant weight upon my shoulders, the mask of a father.

My wife, the mother, the one I love rests upon my shoulders forced to endure my mistake, unable to rightfully rest, she wears the mask of a mother, a life giver. Seeing her gives me the vitality to live on.

And then there is my child, the cruel judgement the gods made for my actions have gifted him a fate I would not wish on anyone. My child, who has endless amounts of energy, wears the mask of the child. Seeing him gives me the will power and endurance to live on.

When my family was taken from me I was mad with grief; I was not thinking straight. I tried to bring them back. This was a mistake; I should not have committed the deed on that day. I was desperate, and without family a man is alone in this god forsaken world. I should have known the price of reanimating the dead was more than a man could bear; the price more than anyone could pay.

My will and desperation to be reunited with my family backfired greatly. My family lives but we have become whole. A single entity forced to roam this land, cursed and shunned from the outside world. Spending day after day tirelessly researching, book after book, experiment after experiment. Working on necromancy until the day I will be able to separate our souls and live as individuals.

There are days where I wonder, have I lost my way? Are the lives of others really less important than my families? Should I carry on experimenting when I could be hurting others?

Oh but, I must keep going/searching. I must bear the burden, even if I do go insane with the little humanity I have left! One of these books holds the answer. I know. All this effort must not/will not be wasted!

Yes, my mind clouded I was not thinking straight, I betrayed the covenant and stole from the grave lord. I risked my life, thinking I had a chance of saving them.

I am a fool to think such a thing. Yet I am still clinging to hope.

-Crash-

What was that?! I turn around. Two figures that have entered my domain. Why have they come? The two figures gaze around my tomb. As they look around they see the piles of bones and the hanging skeletons from my past experiments. They see the piles of necromancy books circling the room.

Their eyes slowly fall upon me. I can feel their hate, their anger; they want to rid me of this earth. They look at me as if I’m an abomination, why must it be like this. They unsheathe their weapons and walk cautiously towards me.

I have nowhere to escape. Why won’t they allow me to explain? I must protect my research, all that I have worked hard for I must protect. I look at my family for what could be the last time and prepare myself.

The figures that I can now see as knights ready themselves as they move ever closer to me preparing to attack. They lunge. I defend and attack back but two on one is too much of a challenge for my disfigured body. I am unable to avoid their devastating blows.

This fight was lost from the start.

The battle ends. As they gaze down at the husk of what is left of my body, I think to myself, I have lost. Everything I have done; all the anguish and misery over the years were for nothing, why must it end this way?

What have I done to deserve this torturous fate? Why have the gods have cursed me.

I was so close to achieving my goals and they were taken away from me in an instant. The unavoidable fate that is death has taken me at a time where I was at my most vulnerable and defenseless.

My family forgive me; I was unable to save you.

“I’m so sorry.”

The END